This was the basis of a conversation I had with the Boy on Saturday evening, it was generated by my frustration at myself for wanting to be more than I seem able to be. To elaborate further, the Boy is extreme; it is simply in his nature not to go along with society or to fit the patterns and expectation that most of us feel bound by. This may seem like a blessing in many ways, but in my moments of frustration and inadequacy I can also see it is a heavy price to pay.
We talked about the things you ‘give up’ in order to be that way. To be the best you have to make sacrifices and for most of us, most of the time, the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze. I also admit I fall into that category.
But for some, it is not a matter of choice, he simply cannot be any other way, given the option he admits he’d much rather be ‘happy’ and ‘normal’. This is where is know I am lucky, to have people around me and to have the chances to experience happiness without the same degree of internalised need to find that ‘fulfilment’ by more extreme means.
We talked about the notion of starting out on a journey knowing that by following through with it, it would inherently mean making sacrifices, real sacrifices. The chances are that for most of us the sacrifices would be too great and we would pull up, fall short, maybe never reaching our full potential. But we would be comfortable with that, comfortable with the choice we’ve made to pick, family, relationships and happiness over an extreme end goal. For some it is not like that, the need to climb the steep hill and see what’s on the other side is simply too great and there is nothing that can stop them, at whatever price. Take Olympic athletes for example.
On a simplistic scale I formed a vision of a sun in my mind, the kind of cartoon drawing of a sun with a big round centre and radiating arms. Many of us mill around the centre, perfectly content and not really feeling a need to venture out on one of the many ‘paths’. Whereas some need to get out and explore the ‘paths’ as soon as they can and if one comes to and end they simple pick a new one. Chances are the paths never really end and the further out you get the fewer people there are and the more lonely it can feel and the tougher the trek becomes.
My problem is that I’m not sure where I sit. I certainly don’t feel comfortable simply settling in the centre. I have an internal urge that needs to see beyond and constantly asks the questions, yet I stop myself short. I latch on to attachments that tie me back to the centre. If only I could modify those attachments so that they did not prevent me from exploring further afield. Maybe I want the best of both worlds and maybe that’s simply not possible. But I still feel determined that I can find a way to be more than I am
be happy and fulfilled.
If I choose the ‘path’ along the suns radiating arm will it make me happy when I get out there? I’m not sure. But one thing I do know for sure is that I will never be happy unless I try. I may never get to the end of the path, but at least I’ll get some way along, constantly learning, striving and pushing at my comfort zone.
After all they do say it is all about the journey and not the destination….and my journey has only just begun.
What is a
Mothering Sunday. A little gesture to show that I care, for all those times I may neglect to show it otherwise.