My end of year review comes form an emotional place. Not a place of fact and figures as I have seen in so many other entrepreneurs reviews. This is the place that feels most true for me right now. The facts and figures whilst important and rewire my acknowledgement, don't hold most meaning for me in tis moment.
There were two big driving forces that were most meaningful for me this year, both were in my personal life but that created powerful ripples in all areas of my life and business.
My house move.
First, I met my love in January after seven years of being on my own. Last New Year I put the message that I was open and ready for love out in the universe and later in January itself I met him.
It was an intensely beautiful relationship at first but slowly the cracks began to show. I realised then that I hadn't created strong boundaries and I hadn't called in what was truly important to me deep down. I wasn't living in full alignment with who I needed to be. Whilst there was a still a lot of deep love there on both sides, there were insurmountable cracks that were exacerbated by dramas unfolding in his world and frustrations that I felt were being repressed and not addressed.
I look back and smile now as I understand relationships are always our mirror.
What was I not addressing?
So from some time September though to November we took a careful and steady decision to create some physical space which ultimately have the conversation that would end it all.
It was incredibly painful at times, as I struggled to let go of the desire for him being 'the one'. Yet, it has taught me a lot about what it is I truly need in a relationship, not just what I think I want, and also where I am willing to compromise and where I am not.
Another big driving force this year for me has been my house move.
I have lived in the same house, on and off over the last 28 years (aside from university and short stints with partners) but I had always gravitated back to the family home. It was my rock. On some levels it served me powerfully, but on other levels it really held me back and I knew it. But I felt caught in the spiral. It was a comfort zone that I struggled to break away from.
The decision was made for me. In late September the house was sold. The family home, the place that I had called home for almost 28 years no matter where I was in the world, no longer existed.
That created all kinds of shifts within me energetically. It also coincided with the difficult conversations within my relationship. It was the beginning of the end at that point. A very powerful time.
These things have challenged me in so many ways, they pushed me into discomfort when I have needed to gown but haven't felt ready. In amongst this turbulence, I noticed so much space open up with in me. Space for new ideas to be born. .
So what else has this year brought to light...
It has shown a powerful evolution in my coaching business, it has shown me moving away from nutrition into the realms of vulnerability and authenticity at a level of depth and clarity I hadn't previously explored.
It has seen me 'create' more... more crafts, products, workshops, services. Creation is incredibly important to me, BUT I also notice that sometimes when I create it can be an act of procrastination from not taking action on following through of those creations.
It is a comfort zone to create, but to follow through is a whole different ball game and that is the part I have often neglected and overlooked. I have all too easily jumped ship to another 'shiny idea'. I have launched ideas into the world but then allowed them to dissolve a fizzle out without continually pulling in energy to lift them off the grown in the way they deserve to be. That is an acknowledgement on my part, an acknowledgement that needs to change next year.
I launched my bevisible.me website, as a hybrid of design work and coaching. This is something I really feel will springboard next year... and I am really enjoying the combination of design and coaching.
Drawing out stories, storytelling is an incredibly powerfully space that I want to explore much more deeply next year. We all have incredible powerful stories within us, stories that can draw our people into our world. If we can find away to express who we really are though our stories, through out life and our words... it is magic.
This is where I feel as though I am going more and more. Using my voice to help people share their voice.
That is the work that is calling me.
I believe that this understanding has needed the space of my relationship coming and going and the turbulence of energy from my house move to really bring this to the forefront of my life.
This year I also created the I AM group. A private facebook group to show up is the fullness of who we are.
I found myself using the phrase I AM to explore my own territory, to explore the expansiveness of who I was, who I was leaving behind and who I was becoming, with a sense of curiosity and without judgement. It is so easy to judge ourselves and hold expectation, but when I can let that fall away and sit with the pure curiosity of 'who I am', life shifts in exciting new ways.
I also created the I AM postcards just before Christmas, as a way to explore intention setting for the coming year, as a way if honouring how we really are.
Back in October I had a wonderful conversation with a fellow coach. I shared my frustrations of where I was holding myself back, where I was struggling to give myself permission to step into the life that was waiting fo me.
He asked me a simple question: "what would life look like for you you if you gave yourself permission?"
My immediate unfiltered answer was; "I would get to experience ALL of me."
Even as I said those words I could feel the power within then. In that moment I realised that to become the best version of ourselves we need to be willing to experience ALL of ourselves, that includes the messy bits and it includes the tough conversation, it includes the bits we want to repress and deny. It's only through being willing to be with these parts of ourselves that we get to experience outsides in all of our truly glory.
So then he reflected back that maybe instead of my signature line "I help people become the best version of themselves", maybe instead I rewrite this to become "I help people experience all of themselves'. It immediately felt aligned. I had been able to connect the dots that that been there all along.
It was the precursor to creating the I AM group. It was the precursor to my realisation that I a story teller, but more than that I create space for other people to tell their stories and truly own them. That's what I want to do more and more of next year.
As I sit here now, I reflect on what else I need to acknowledge this year, what has had less obvious impact on me but is important to acknowledge nonetheless.
One key things is my Wholeplus food business. I joined forces at the very beginning of this with a local gym owner who also has a commercial kitchen. The relationship going forwards with the business has an incredible amount of potential. But progress has been very slow, with nothing really moving forwards and other priorities taking over time and time again.
At times I found this incredibly frustrating, but now I see that maybe that's exactly what needed to be. Maybe the energy there had to slow down and be put on hold so I had the energy to inject into me, my growth, the I AM movement, the evolution of my design work, and also my relationship- because whilst my relationship ultimately broke down it was at first an incredible rich and nourishing part of my life with many lessons to be learned.
Next year is a time for growing into the message that has become clear this year.
Now that my message has become clear, my food business also has some space to grow.
I big realisation this year is the I want to become more transient and not fixed to any single location. I have slowly shifted my work, and ultimately my relationship to allow for that transition.
I tested this idea of 'live-work-travel' at the end of this year in Salobrena, Spain and it was a magical experience.
As I let go of the old and allow things to transform into how they can best serve me, I look ahead to committing to myself. Not just creating but committing those creations into action. I also look to building a community because I know deep down this is not just about me. Our stories and our ownership of our lives is a community effort, coming together to express, to share, to acknowledge, to voice our journeys in the presence of others in a safe intimate space is powerful.
So I am holding space for that community. I am committing to my own journey, I am continuing to weave my web as a storyteller, designer and coach, These are the threads that I am pulling together out of everything that has come over the last 12 months and that I am weaving into the tapestry of 2019.
So this is my end of year review. Much longer than I anticipated when I began my reflection process.